Want vs Need: Why your Trade-Me watchlist is stressing you out

OK I admit it, I am just a little bit addicted these days to those lifestyle programmes on the Living Channel or HGTV - you know those ones where people escape to the country, the sea, the lake or some foreign city they have never even visited. Where people throw in the towel and ‘up sticks’ to a sunnier, easier, seemingly hassle-free life with no money worries, job woes or cares in the world.

I have also noticed recently that my Trade-Me watchlist has slowly begun to fill up as my husband and I have begun saving every property, boat or piece of seaside ‘idyll’ where we would like to escape to (when we win lotto of course) as no budget filter has been applied…
This may seem like just mindless day dreaming, or something that is just a bit of a fun way to pass the time but actually it is stressing us out without us even realising it.

I have decided to relabel the Trade Me ‘watchlist’ as the ‘list of discontent’ as in doing so we are creating a dissonance with our existing, perfectly wonderful lives and taking what we have here and now for granted to the point where what we have currently seems disappointing and unfulfilling.  

For you that might be Trade-Me, TV programmes or other things that you save to your social media feeds, or the sub conscious comparisons you make to your friends lives plastered on Facebook. The bigger house, the cars you drool over in the showroom, the water cooler conversations at work with your colleagues about holiday or career plans or family get togethers where you compare notes over how well your children are doing at school or in their jobs.

In a recent article by Kathryn Schafler, a  NYC-based psychotherapist, writer and speaker states that “What starts as a perfectly naturally evolutionary impulse to avail ourselves to resources becomes grossly inflated by a dangerous mix of consumer culture + a lack of gratitude about what we already have”

“In other words, thinking about all the things that will make us happy often makes us miserable” - Kathryn Schafler

The more we think and dream about what we want the more expectation we place on our current situation, and in the process become more disappointed with our current experience (i.e. life)

This is why lottery winners are often unhappy, and studies have shown (Princeton Study 2010) that having more money or possessions doesn’t necessarily correlate to higher happiness levels or emotional wellbeing.

Don’t get me wrong, having ambition and goals are important and part of what makes us get up and out of bed in the morning. But when it goes beyond this to creating a level of disconnect and perceived discontent with what we have, or taking us away from enjoying the present moment it becomes detrimental to our emotional wellbeing and resilience.

This is why the practice of gratitude journaling and mindfulness meditation has taken off and become so mainstream. When we practice daily gratitude and actively start looking around at our life, in our present moment for things (big and small) to be grateful for we realise that what we have in our lives is actually pretty good and in doing so create positive feelings of connection and content (and not discontent).

Similarly, the practice of mindfulness or mindfulness meditation keeps us grounded in both our body and our present lives bringing our attention back to the present and in the process recognising that our present state is what matters, not some far off ideal that may or may not actually exist or bring us happiness.

So, I have vowed to delete the Trade- Me 'watchlist of discontent' and to remove the HGTV app from my mobile device and just simply enjoy what I have around me for it is what makes me truly happy and all that I need.

Catherine Woodley is an executive life & resiliency coach. As a cancer survivor and corporate escapee she is making it her mission to help those who are stressed out, burn out and at a cross roads with their career and life.